


How Could You?

by buttday



Category: Karneval
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-07
Updated: 2014-06-07
Packaged: 2018-02-03 17:33:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1752974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buttday/pseuds/buttday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The next time they ask you, don't say anything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Could You?

How could you?

Nai was sobbing when he asked you. And even now, he’s still crying his eyes out. More than anything, it’s a breakdown. He’s curled up in the top bunk of the beds in their room, wrapped up in sheets, squeezing the life out of an unfortunate maintenance sheep. Usually, you’d be the first one he seeks comfort from, right? You’d be the first one he runs to. But why’s he alone right now? He doesn’t want anyone,  _he doesn’t want you_. Understandable. Ha, even Karoku is too shocked to handle how poorly his niji is accepting this entire situation.  _You broke him._

Tsukumo’s tone was placid when she asked you. Placid, yeah, but it was icier than ever before. Usually, she’d be the first to get everything back in order, like the responsible younger sister she is. But here she is, immaturely refusing to talk to you after you failed to give a good immediate answer. But you can’t blame her, can you? Plus, you have no right whatsoever to complain. She makes you feel you deserve this treatment. Maybe you do. Ha,  _of course you do._

Iva wasn’t even looking at you when she asked you. Her arms were crossed over her chest and a pout was plastered on her face. You can’t even understand why she feels this way, she was never really close with the two freeloaders you brought onto the Second Ship since she was always out on special missions, but you don’t bother to question it anymore. You see, what you did had a great impact on everyone,  _not just Nai._

Jiki and Kiichi were cold as always, sounding bored when they asked you. For some reason, you knew Jiki was feigning disinterest and hiding incredulity, and Kiichi was covering it up by boasting about how she finally has actual allegation to think you’re inferior. Even combatants from other ships can’t overlook  _your incompetence_  in the fresh incident.

Tsukitachi tried to kid as he asked you. He went as far as to joke if you’d raided his alcohol cabinet, if you were maybe drunk when you did it. But that facade fell apart quickly. He’s always been expressive of his string of emotions, despite that carefree happy-go-lucky demeanor of his. Kind of like you. That may be an insult. Whether to you or to him is up to you. You’re not his direct subordinate, but he still can’t believe you couldn’t stop yourself. You can’t believe it either, but  _you have to._

Akari was patching you up when he asked you. He was quiet. He didn’t care for the fact that you were afraid of him, you forgot you were scared of him too. He didn’t bother speaking at all after inquiring, busying himself with bandaging up your wounds and patting your bruises with ice packs. He treated you carefully. He wasn’t busy and there was no need to rush after you were brought into his clinic in emergency. You could have easily monopolized his time, there was  _no one else_  he had to attend to.

Hirato, your captain and commander, was staring you down when he asked you. You know by the way he was clutching onto his cane with white knuckles that he was enraged. Professionalism taking him over, he took no action. Admirable, isn’t it?  _Like hell it is._  He stood there waiting patiently, if not in hostility, for a valid response from you. He’s angry at himself, too. Stupid, he thought. How could he have  _let you do that,_  he should have been supervising his subordinates more closely. You even made your dear guardian feel bad about himself, even  when you know none of it was his fault. He can’t bring himself to hurt you for what you did, even if he could, even if he  _should_. So you make a mental note to  _hurt yourself_  for him later.

Gareki didn’t ask you, he  _couldn’t._  He was screaming your name, asking you to calm down,  _come back._  It was dangerous, you both knew. But he had faith in you and ran to try to get to you anyway. He believed you wouldn’t harm him, he trusted that you would be able to control yourself if it came to him, he was confident you’d never hurt him,  _because you promised._ He  _wanted you_  even if your hair was shining silver and your eyes piercing red.

It’s my turn to ask~

_**Yogi, how could you kill your precious Gareki-kun?** _

The moment he reached you, he pulled you into an embrace, the last one he would feel, and told you to calm down, come back, whispered in your ear for for the first time, and for the last time,  _I love you_.

That was perhaps  _the biggest mistake of his life._  Except it was actually just  _one small mistake_  that ** _cost him his life_.**

In that moment, you thrust your swords forward and formed ribbons of thorns around, over, and ultimately _through_ Gareki, without even saying it back. The last thing he probably heard was your maniacal howls with the slightest semblance of mirth and laughter.

The answer’s pretty simple. You dumbfuck just couldn’t get it, could you?

You got rid of him because he was in love with you. He was really, stupidly, madly, fucking  _in love with you._

We both know you don’t deserve it, you never did,  _you never do._  Someone as broken and amazingly beautiful as  _Gareki_  falling in love with someone as fickle and unstably undulate as  _you?_ No way in hell do you deserve it. You’re a freak. You’re not human. You can’t accept that love  _even if_  you can reciprocate. You know one day you’re going to hurt him, so we got rid of him before that happened, right?

Still, I gotta say, it’s a really selfish thing for you to allow. Ah, wait, you  _are_ selfish. You were selfish enough to let Gareki open up to you and tell you everything about himself because you had wanted to listen to him first. You were selfish enough to let Gareki hold you,  _kiss you_  when he got around to wanting you because you had wanted to touch him first. You were selfish enough to let Gareki fall for you because _you had fallen for him first._

It was too dangerous for him, you both knew. But  _you_ knew it better, you greedy little bastard of a shit fighter. It sucks you realize it just now. Had you realized it  _then_ , had you  _really_ understood what you were getting him into in the first place, we could’ve nipped it in the bud, and probably no one will have had to die with thorns in his stomach,  _not Gareki_.

You loved him and you cared for him and wanted no harm to come to him, so you made sure nothing else would ever come to him at all. Not even  _you._ I find it hilarious how it was supposed to be so noble, what you did. Your intentions were so pure, too. But you’re nothing and nowhere near noble and pure. You’re  _a fucking wreck._

It’s dumb, too. Kind of pitiful. For once, you find one specific person you care for more than anything, more than a bunch of villagers panicking because of Varuga, more than kids crowding you in the karneval parade for candy bars. You find Gareki,  _but you know you can’t have him_. You can’t have anyone, I’ve told you over and over. But what did you do? You kept him. Or tried to, oops.

You let him in too far, let him in _too deep_ , and you kept him from me. You didn’t realize that the closer you got, the more of him I would see. You didn’t realize that the more of him I did see, the more I wanted to get it through your fucking thick skull again and  _again_ that  _you don’t deserve any fucking thing._

It’s rare sometimes for you to let me take over. And this time, I bet you didn’t even know. You never really do… But then again, I had wanted to just stop all this bullshit. Maybe you did. Subconsciously, was it, or something like that… Some term that basically meant you  _did_ want me to take over for you.

So… Ah, that’s right.  ** _I_** _killed Gareki for you._

Okay? So the next time they ask you, “How could you kill Gareki?” don’t say anything. You don’t have to anymore. You’ll get punished either way, and you know you fucking hate yourself. Because that’s it. Nothing you do, and nothing that happens to you, will change anything.  _You killed Gareki._ _  
_

As long as you know the answer, then that’s fine.

I am you.  _That’s how you could do it._

**Author's Note:**

> POV:;Silver!Yogi


End file.
